Craps Is a Funny Word Athf
Carl: Hey! THERE'S A FRIGGIN' EASTER EGG IN MY YARD!
Meatwad: Well, that's probably Eggzilla, Carl. He's that fire breathin' Easter egg, come out of my mind.
Carl: Of course.
- Afterwards, once Eggzilla and his new girlfriend that Meatwad conjured up for him destroy Carl's house, Carl practically loses it and aids them in the destruction of his own property.
Carl: Hey, make sure the house is completely crushed if you could!
- All of this occurs while Santa Claus, brought in by Meatwad in the middle of July because he wanted early Christmas presents, is burning alive after having been set ablaze by Eggzilla.
Zakk Wylde: Why did I even get wasted and work with [Shake]? I mean, this isn't even a real microphone! It's a stick with a marshmallow on it!
- Shake also roped Geddy Lee of Rush into singing on it, and he practically craps himself when he sees Lee's plane with the "Fly By Night" artwork sitting in his driveway.
- Shake has Wylde perform with a pair of animatronic scorpions. Shake's song is so bad that they become sentient, announce their desire to embark on "solo careers", whip out missiles and blow each other up (and Wylde, who was literally caught in the middle).
Shake [charred from the explosion]: Can I just say when I bought them, I didn't know they came armed with laser cannons? They probably charged me extra.
Frylock [also charred]: So, uh, what are you going to tell Zack's wife and children?
Shake: You saw him. The man was drunk and out of control.
- Oh! Hey, you know this is pretty nice! I am kind of hungry.
- Good. THEN LET THE MATING BEGIN!
Dr. Weird: GENTLEMEN! I BRING YOU... [shutter opens up] MORE CORN!
Steve: Uh, gee, I dunno man... I mean, after last time—
Dr. Weird: THIS TIME SHALL BE DIFFERENT! [cackles]
* Beat*
Steve: Well, alright... cause I am hungry again—
[corn launches at him and pins him to the wall]
Dr. Weird: IT'S NOT DIFFERENT AT ALL, IS IT, STEVE? AAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dr. Weird: Gentleman... BEHOLD! [shutter opens, revealing a wall of amps] Are you ready to ROCK?
(awkward silence)
Steve: U-um, I-I'm ready to ro—
Dr. Weird: THEN I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR HAIR TO THE BACK OF THIS AUDITORIUM! 1, 2, 3, 4! [starts shredding] THIS ONE IS CALLED, "ROBOT AFFLICTION"!
Dr. Weird: *The snake is coiled around his neck* Steve...
Steve: Yeah?
Steve: Aw hell no!
Dr. Weird: HAHAHAHAHA! GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! [doors open, Moth-Monster-man is revealed...] Moth-Monst-[...and he immediately flies out through the rabbit hole] OH NO! MOTH-MONSTERMAN NO! COME BACK!
Steve: He has escaped!
Dr. Weird: Yes. Through the hole! [slips and falls] MY BANANA!
Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, feast your eyes!
[the gate goes up revealing a vortex]
Steve: What the hell?!
Dr. Weird: Don't feast, run! Dammit! (he and Steve get sucked in)
- Carl later starts wearing the mummy's crown, unaware that his legs have been turned into a snake's tail... until Master Shake points it out.
- In particular, David Long Jr. as Carl
. Fan opinion was somewhat divided on the rest, but everyone agreed he absolutely nailed it.
- "Everything you say is boring."
- When the Plutonians begin their prank war with the Mooninites:
Oglethorpe: Oh no, he did not do that!
Emory: What was—
Oglethorpe: That dude back there just flipped me off!
Emory: Really? Y-You saw that?
[Back at the Mooninites' ship, Ignigknot is flashing an extra-large middle finger.]
Err: Did he see it?
Ignigknot: Oh yes, Err. He saw the finger. My question is, does he know what to do with it?
[Back to the Plutonians]
Oglethorpe: Stop this ship!
Emory: Okay, but we're not supposed to stop at this speed...
Oglethorpe: STOP IT AT THIS SPEED!
[The ship comes to an abrupt halt, and they both crash through the window.]
Err: Oh man, that's just gonna—oh man, he's backin' up! (beep)IN FLY' HE'S BACKIN' UP! COME ON!
Ignigknot: No. (flashes a second extra-large middle finger) We'll double his pleasure.
Err: Take TWO, muddamuchacos!
Ignigknot: And call us in the morning.
Err: Yeah, call us! We'll be drunk!
Ignigknot: Romulox...?
Romulox: Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.
Ignigknot: Happy Time Harry...?
[Happy Time Harry vomits.]
Ignigknot: The Trees...? (Beat) Did anyone see a large tree in the bathroom?
Err: Oh yeah...they left a message, they're runnin' late, they're hitchin' a ride with Flargin and Dingle.
Ignigknot: Flargin and what?
(Later)
Ignigknot: Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future...?
Cybernetic Ghost: [as smoke blows around him] Thousands of years ago, before Sigourney Weaver—
Ignigknot: "Here" will work just fine. Thank you.
Cybernetic Ghost: ...Here.
Err: And NO SMOKING! [jumping up and down in place] GIMME A SMOKE, GIMME A SMOKE, GIMME A SMOKE!
Ignigknot: Err, stay with the patch. Your blood pressure.
Err: [to the Ghost] You tell another story!
Cybernetic Ghost: [as smoke blows around him] Thousands of years ago, I survived the quickening of the dragonoid's crusade...
Err: (breathing in) Mmmm... smooth and menthol-y.
Brownie Monsters: (Hellish roaring and screeching)
Ignigknot: I know, I know, we're getting to you, just wait your turn. You're coming up on the list.
(Extended Beat)
Ignigknot: ...'kay, Brownie Monsters.
Brownie Monsters: (Hellish roaring and screeching)
Ignigknot: Emory and Oglethorpe...?
[awkward silence]
Err: Ha-HA!
Ignigknot: "...were not invited" is the correct end to that sentence.
Err: Put a period on that!
Ignigknot: Plutonians are teh suck. note This is how the closed captioning reads for this statement.
Err: Are you ready to Work for the Weekend? 'Cuz I'm gonna Turn You Loose to Hot Girls in Love!
(Shake stands in the middle of the street waiting for his promised "hot girls", but no one comes)
Err: Man, how come it ain't workin' on him?
Ignignokt: Because those are Loverboy songs, Err...and Loverboy has always sucked.
Carl: (shouting from offscreen) No they don't! I saw them in '85 at Madison Square and they kicked ass!
move in. Two beautiful women... and John Kruk. (Which is even funnier not because he was on the '93 NL champion Phillies, but because he's a local demigod in the South Jersey/Philadelphia area). His attempts at "singing" are one of the funniest things seen on ATHF.- And the sirens were Neko Case and Kelly Hogan, which is a Moment of Awesome for indie rock/alt country fans.
- If you think that's funny, you should see Carl's attempts at "dancing". The Sirens' and John Kruk's reactions seal the deal.
Meatward: I thought you said TV was bad.
Frylock: Oh it is... but we f*** ing need it!
Carl: Oh, do not tell me that THAT IS MY CAR UP THERE ON THE ROOF!
Meatwad: okay, we won't.
Carl: Get it down!
Meatwad: Okay.
Carl: Wait, no, don't—[Carl's car lands with a loud crash, totaled in the process] DAMN IT!
- This classic gem after Frylock sends Travis of the Cosmos to timeout for swearing:
- Carl discovers Travis urinating all over his house, and needless to say he is not pleased.
Carl: (feigning excitement) Hey! Who's your dead friend? He's dead!
- GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD!
- Genius Bonus: Hallucination!Frylock is based on the schizophrenic cat art of Louis Wain.
Frylock: Meatwad, look at me. Look at me. (distorted) How many fries am I holding up?
Meatwad: You come here to kill me! Bullfrog king!
- Genius Bonus: Hallucination!Frylock is based on the schizophrenic cat art of Louis Wain.
"The... dog blew up again."
- Later, it's revealed that Meatwad had been eating caulk the whole time, which makes him think he has been seeing into the future. He then asks Frylock if seeing Carl striking oil was real. He tells him no. Cue Carl and Shake covered in a black substance that's not oil, but the...er...stuff from Carl's septic tank.
Shake: Meatwad, it's spaghetti time! Oh boy, spaghetti!
Meatwad: All right, spaghetti! Now that's Italian!
Shake: There it is, eat it! (cuts to some cords)
Meatwad: That doesn't look like any spaghetti I know.
(Shake adds dinner plates and silverware underneath the cords)
Shake: There, now it's spaghetti.
Meatwad: You're messin' with me, aren't you?!
Shake: You're right, I'm sorry. The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so... it's in the dryer!
Meatwad: Why didn't you say so! It's probably dry by now, let's go get it. (hops in the dryer) Now remember, I like it spicy!
Shake: (laughs as he turns the dryer on) So stupid!
Meatwad: Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'?
Schoolly D: (narrating) Come on, think about it, Meatwad. It's a dryer, man. Of course it's gonna spin.
- Meatwad getting Drunk with Power:
Meatwad: Shake. Where is my popsicle?
Shake: Please-
Meatwad: I require a popsicle every fifteen minutes. You obviously did not read the memo.
Shake: This is your memo?! [holds up sheet of paper with what could loosely be called a drawing on it] I don't even know what this is!
Meatwad: [pins Shake to the wall with Force lightning] You sicken me with your lies.
Shake: I'll make you some right away!
Meatwad: Make me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it now.
- Especially "3 Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall":
Meatwad #17: Wait, I got mixed up. Start over!
- And when they finally finish the song 27 years later:
Meatwad #1: Hehehe, that was fun!
Meatwad #2: Yep, that was fun!
Meatwad #3: That was fun.
Meatwad #4: Well now what do we do?
Meatwad #1: I suppose we can sit here and get to know each other. Or we could sing that song one more cotton-picking time! - And with that, they do. As the POV zooms out from the house, a gunshot is heard from the other room, because in 27 years Shake still hasn't left.
- At the end of the episode, Shake gives a patriotic speech about the importance of eating your boogers, so that the Mucusoids don't take over the world and enslave humanity!
- Repeatedly mouthing off to (and then blasting) Carl.
- Forcing Carl to order him Chinese take-out, and then blasting him when he whimsically changes his order.
- And in the process burned down his house and scorched his lawn into a charred wreck.
- Terry's "cosmetic surgery" at the end of the episode (to replace Frylock's bad surgery, he ends up giving him eye-tits).
Steve: [enter] Hey, I'm back from lunch—
Dr. Weird: WHERE'S MINE?!
[Beat]
Steve: Um... I thought you said you don't like to eat, cause, you said food makes you really... [Dr. Weird rips his brain out from the back of his head] ...uh...crazy?
Dr. Weird: THIS MAKES ME CRAZY! [collapses, dead; brain starts floating]
Dr. Weird's Brain: Gimme some fries, boy!
[Dr. Weird's brain chases Steve, shooting lasers at him]
Dr. Weird: YES, TERRY! MINE FOR BRAINS! UWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Steve: Hey, uh... who was that on the phone?
Dr. Weird: Um, no one... er—HEY! LET'S [produces massive needle] HIGHLIGHT YOUR HAIR!
Steve: But I like my hair this color—
[Steve gets jabbed in the neck with the needle and immediately collapses]
Dr. Weird: IT BEGINS!
Dr. Weird: SHUT THE F**K UP, STEVE! YOU'RE SCARING THEM!
Dr. Weird: GENTLEMEN...WHO STOLE MY HAIRARIUM?!
Steve: Y-your...what?
Dr. Weird: MY HAIR HELMET!!
Steve: Oh...t-that's right there...on your head.
Dr. Weird: Oh...(Beat)...BULLS**T!
Steve: [talking on a phone] Uh, yeah. Uh, six inch on wheat, no mayo... uh, hang on. Uh, Dr. Weird?
Dr. Weird: [with his hand behind his back] MY ASS HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO EAT MY HAND! (sharp convulsion) IT HUNGERS... FOR MORE!
[Dr. Weird's entire body gets sucked in until there's nothing left but a small ball of flesh with a piece of Dr. Weird's muumuu sticking out.]
Steve: [completely unfazed and returns to talking on the phone] Uh, yeah, just the one hoagie.
*Dr. Weird is wearing a tribal headdress*
Steve: *as Dr. Weird places a hand on his shoulder* Yeah, hey... y'know what, this is my two weeks' notice—
Dr. Weird: SAMHAIN... *he tears out Steve's spinal column* FOREVER!!
*Steve collapses onto the floor as Dr. Weird laughs manaically*
(Beat)
Dr. Weird: Ho ho.
- When the titular robot enters Carl's room, Carl is completely calm throughout the entire "conversation" he has with him.
- Child-Carl's Christmas gift. Which is a piece of carpet. Which is also his dinner.
- Also Child-Carl is only a little less bald than adult Carl and already has his pot belly and wife beater.
- That Carl's house was built upon elfin graves, hence why his pool was filled with elfin blood.
- It somehow creates babies.
- "Wait, who unionized?" "Wouldn't you like to know? Probably your mama!"
- Also: "You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape." "Okay, how much?" "Sexually."
Frylock: You don't need to go Carl! You could do that....other thing...
Carl: Yeah, no thanks, Fryman. I'm not gonna get humped by a red gorilla in space. - Cybernetic Ghost hiding from Danzig and his sprinklers of blood.
- Danzig buying the house specifically because it's haunted by a cybernetic ghost and has blood dripping from the walls.
Danzig: Is there any chance we could get the blood to flow UP the walls?
Cybernetic Ghost: "I don't see why not."
Ignignokt: He said no, Err. With his foot.
- When Frylock analyzes Carl's brain to text, the screen is covered in obscenities with the f-bombs strategically covered.
- "Here ya go, Shawn Cassidy."
- The look on Shake's face when he sees Carl's head attached to the body of an old black guy.
- Shake ruins Frylock's initial attempt to build a fresh new body for Carl via an organ bank:
Frylock: "Dr. Frylock, while we appreciate your interest in body construction research, we cannot legally send you a, quote-unquote, 'buttload of organs', regardless of whether we plan on using them."
Shake: I didn't say "buttload"! (Beat) I said "ASS-load". - Frylock rebuilds Carl by giving him a military suit and arming him with weapons of mass destruction. He only realizes it's a bad idea when it's Shake who calls him out on it.
Frylock: I give you the ultimate in military hardware complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton and motion-activated plasma pulse rifles.
Shake: And you're gonna plug him in!?
Frylock: You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking? - Shake's reaction when he sees the result of the body they tried to make out of medical waste organs (and the only organs they could obtain were eyeballs. )
Shake: Will he be able to chase us? 'Cause if I woke up looking like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.
- Meatwad repeatedly mishearing Frylock saying that Shake found the Broodwich.
Frylock: That's... the Broodwich!
Meatwad: The boob witch?
Frylock: No no, Meatwad, the Broodwich. The Broodwich!
Meatwad: Wait, wait, say what?
Frylock: Broodwich!
Meatwad: The Blair Witch is here?
Frylock: No no, the Broodwich!
Shake: I'll tell you what it is, friends. It's shut up and let me eat it! - The disembodied voice and Shake ripping on Frylock for reading Vogue.
- Meatwad planting Frylock's azalea bushes by throwing them down the hole where Shake found the Broodwich.
- Meatwad tells Shake that Jerry from the other dimension is a "nice guy once you get to know him" despite him repeatedly trying to kill Shake with an axe. Shake believes him and takes another bite of the Broodwich.
Frylock: Wow, so you're saying it was fun?
Meatwad: Hell naw, that sum'bitch had an axe! - Followed by Shake watching Jerry and his friend talking about their wives giving them crap at home. Here's the extended version of the scene.
Ignignokt: What was that?
Err: Whoa, did those just come out of your eyes?
Ignignokt: They're primitive.
Err: Damn, those are fast, man.
Ignignokt: We are not impressed.
Err: Hey, wasn't that cool?
Ted Nugent: It is I, Ted Nugent, and if any of you don't got a gun, a knife, handkerchief, and a Chap-Stick, get the f[GUITAR RIFF]k outta here!
- From earlier in the same episode, the Sound-Effect Bleep resulting from said Standards and Practices. When Meatwad is supposedly "pregnant", at one point he launches into a foul-mouthed rant:
Meatwad: Oh boy, I apologize. My hormones are going nuts! Now please, if you would, get the [ELEPHANT TRUMPET] out of my way. I mean, how many times do I gotta [ALARM BELL] write ice cream on this [SQUEAK] list, before someone gets his [HORSE WHINNY] in gear, and brings home the [OWL HOOT] ice cream?! MAYBE I SHOULD GET A STEAK KNIFE, AND ETCH IT IN YOUR MOTHER-[CORK POP] FOREHEAD! HOW HARD CAN IT [SQUEAK] BE? ICE MOTHER- [DRUMROLL] CREAM! I guess that's the price I pay for living with TWO [DIAL TONE] MORONS!
Meatwad: *slams door and leaves*
Shake: ...What happened to courtesy? Did it just...disappear?
Frylock: I had to suspend the RAM in a colloidal fluid, (etc...)
Shake: Because you're a witch and you made it disappear with your evil magic!
Meatwad: He's a witch?!
Frylock: *deadpan* I'm not a witch.
Shake: Oh yeah!
Frylock: I'm not a witch!
Shake: Don't look at him wrong, he'll shrink your head to the size of a pea, I've seen it!
Frylock: Look, the hard drive spun so fast, it send the computer back in time.
Shake: To the time of witches, where you once lived! Bring forth the stakes! You shall burn for your beliefs, WITCH! *the door buzzer rings* My pizza's here! Pizza time pizza time pizza time!... *hops out of the room, still duct-taped to the chair*
Meatwad: It's all startin' to add up now, isn't it? The levitation. The eeevil book readin'. Dem cream cookies you always eatin'...you a damn witch!
Frylock: Oh yeah? Well whatcha you gonna do about it?
Meatwad: Eat pizza. Pizza time pizza time pizza time!... *exit*
- From the same episode, when Frylock reveals said supercomputer:
Frylock: Gentlemen... the OoGhiJ MIQtxxXA!
Shake: Frylock. Come on. You're really gonna call it that?
Frylock: Well, yeah! I mean, that's the Klingon word for "superior galactic intelligence," and that's... what this is.
Shake: "Superior galactic grandma after eatin' a block of cheese, smokin' three packs of cigarettes, and drinkin' a quart of milk." Disgusting, that's the word!
Frylock: Well, I invented it, and I can call it what I want!
Shake: Fine! Hey, good luck with the casual sex! I mean it. No, 'cause you won't get it, not with that name. Anyway, go on. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Frylock: (sighs) Meatwad, what do you think?
Meatwad: (Beat) My butt itches.
Frylock: All right, all right, fine! What should I call it, then?!
Shake: "BAD-ASS MUTHA!!"
Meatwad: No, "Snoopy!" Or... or "Schroeder." One of them two.
Shake: No. "Bad-Ass Mutha 4000!"
Meatwad: "The Red Baron."
Shake: Twice as fast as your ass! Yeah, baby! - Shake tells Meatwad Oog is his dad.
Shake: Hey Meatwad, your dad's here! He wants to make amends!
Meatwad: That ain't my daddie.
Shake: Sure he is. I asked "are you Meatwad's dad?", he said "How'd you know? Yes I am."
Carl: Hello ladies, I'd like to introduce you to my little friend there, Goliath. We had to order special elastic pants for him on the internet.
- This ends up backfiring, as it also enlarged Carl's pubic lice, which promptly jump out and run around the hallway. Carl seems to expect this, and quickly advises that "If they get close to ya, hit 'em with the shampoo."
Meatwad You know what? Screw chicken and beans! I'm done with that. I ain't a dancing robot, I'm an artist and I need to create! You're all just beasts and animals shaking the bars of the cages in my zoo! And I am a magic unicorn astride a golden stalion picked up by two giant bronze grizzly bears! Now, Charity, Chastity; get over here and blow me before I go onstage. I have to lose 3 ounces so I can rock these leather chaps right proppa!
Frylock: [Wakes with Saw 's Reverse Bear Trap on his face] Where am I?!
Puppet: Welcome to Canada, Frylock. The key to the trap on your head is implanted in your skull, just behind your right eye. On the table in front of you is a grapefruit and grapefruit spoon. Do the math.
Frylock: Wait, wait, wait, wait! What's the grapefruit for?!
Puppet: [pause] I'm not sure actually, I forgot. You think you could maybe... grab your jaw and just sort of rip your head open? I want to see inside there... RIP YOUR HEAD OPEN!
Puppet: Are you enjoying our little game?
Frylock: Yeah, it's over. I just took it off.
Puppet: You have sixty seconds... wait, what are you talking about?
Frylock: I just took it off. Here it is. See, right here.
Puppet: Oh wow, shoot.
Frylock: It was only a twist tie.
Puppet: From my whole wheat bread loaf! You found it! Bring it to me. You have sixty seconds.
Frylock: Where are you?
Puppet: I don't know! I'm a doll.
Frylock: Well hell, you must be somewhere. There's a camera on you.
Puppet: There's a camera on me? For real? What do I look like? [Holds pocket mirror to his face] Am I pretty?
Frylock: Is this all y'all do up in Canada?
Puppet: We speak French... sometimes. Pretty much this though.
Frylock: Look, I'm going back to the United States, okay?
Puppet: Wait, um, uh, why don't you jam that grapefruit spoon in your eye. Is that cool?
Frylock: Uh, let me think about that. No.
Puppet: Come on, man. Don't be a dick. Do it..or else!
Frylock: Or else what?
Puppet: [Grapefruit catches on fire] Or else that! See what that did? What if you were eating that when that happened. ...nightmare!
Frylock: I am out of here.
Puppet: Wait... that key's still in your head.
Frylock: No it's not.
Puppet: Dammit! Just hack your foot off! Wait, Frylock! C'mon, don't go. We have universal health care here. It's free if you're a citizen.
Frylock: Nope. No thanks.
Puppet: C'mon man, hang out. I'm lonely.
- And then there's a follow-up scene near the end with Meatwad.
Meatwad: What's in here?
Frylock: Why don't you go find out?
Meatwad: Okay. I'll do anything. [Enters barn]
Puppet: Wanna play a game?
Meatwad: No thank you. [Exits]
Puppet: Wait! Wait! Don't go, don't go! Come on, man! I've got all the Rush records. Come on, man. Please! Just come hang out with me! [In a defeated tone] Damn...
"I told him he needed to chill, but he misheard me as saying that he needed to KILL."
- Doubles as a Moment of Awesome as well.
Meatwad: Something's wrong with that TV.
Frylock: There's nothing wrong with that TV.
(TV starts gushing blood)
Frylock: Okay, something's wrong with it.
Shake: What do you mean, no?! Don't you know how much this is for?! Because I do not!
Cashier: Look, uh, we don't cash checks here.
Shake: And we don't respond to threats. I'll say it one more time in a little language I like to call English. Or maybe I should say it in Mehicano? Get back dero and casho the checko, amigo. Andale! Andale!
Ignigknot: He's not responding, cup. Lay into him more.
Err: (outside) Yeah, lay into him some more!
Ignigknot: I've got this, Err!
Cashier: That thing there is your check?
Shake: Yes, that's the check.
Cashier: Well, we don't cash 'em.
Shake: Oh, you've never seen a check before? Oh, me so sorry. Uh, maybe you're in the wrong business. And maybe immigration would like to know about this?
Cashier: Good, cause you know what? I'm American.
Shake: Well I'm not. But when I become one, maybe I'll legally buy a weapon, and we won't have to vote you out of office. Will we, scumbag?!
(Shake and Ignigknot are kicked out of the store)
Shake: Unbelievable!
Ignigknot: Unfathomable.
Shake: You know they sneak in, and then they try to rule us. (through the window at the cashier) Well I'm gonna sneak into your country, and do this job there, AND THEN NOT CASH ANY OF YOUR FRIGGIN CHECKS! How will you like that?! You WON'T! BECAUSE YOU'LL BE HERE!!
Ignigknot: Your logic is flawless. But my brain has transmitted a better idea.
- Then they come back and try to cash it again with Carl's ID and Meatwad wearing Carl's mustache and hair, with Shake and the Mooninites watching eagerly through the window.
Meatwad: And as you can see, that's my proper identification. It all checks out. You will notice a difference in height. That's because I'm an organ donor, had to have my body removed last year and donated. I certainly hope you don't discriminate here.
Cashier: Uh, no, Mr....
Meatwad: Meatwad.
Cashier: It doesn't say that on here.
Meatwad: What's it say?
Cashier: Carl.
Meatwad: Yeah, that's his ID.
Err: What are you doing?! What's taking so long?! God!
Beat
Meatwad: So I'll be taking my money, now.
Cashier: Well you know what? It doesn't even matter. I don't even cash checks here. Definitely not that one.
Err: Lay! Into! Him!
Meatwad: (looking at penny tray) Hey, quick question. Is them pennies?
Cashier: Yeah.
Meatwad: And y'all just givin' 'em out? How much this gum?
(outside, with Meatwad blow a bubble with his gum)
Shake: What happened? Did he buy it?
Meatwad: I bought me some gum.
Shake and Ignigknot: Where did you get gum?
Meatwad: In there. In the gum aisle.
Err: Perfect.
Shake: That's not what we sent you in there for!
Meatwad: But that's what I come out with.
Ignigknot: Tell me, were there weenie wraps?
Meatwad: Microwaveable, but weenie wraps nonetheless.
Ignigknot: Weenie wraps intrigue me.
Meatwad: They had burger drops-
Err: Burger drops? (jumps through the window; laser blasts can be heard coming from inside)
Meatwad: And burrito cakes.
Shake: I thought they stopped making those.
Meatwad: And pizza balls.
Shake: Pizza balls!
Ignigknot: Were there little turkey muffins?
Meatwad: They had little, regular, and mega.
Ignigknot: Seize all pennies at once! Purchase all pizza balls and me-(Err jumps back out the window, with several stolen food items in his arms) Oh. There you are.
Err: (hands one of his armfuls to Ignigknot) Can you take this? We better go. - Then later, Frylock reveals it's not even a check.
Frylock: In fact, this is not a check at all, Shake. This is a bill! For homecare.
Shake: Impossible. That's not a bill.
Frylock: (looking at the bill) Uh, Cliff. Does anybody know a Cliff?
Ignigknot: (walking onscreen) Yes. My name is Cliff. And that is not a bill. Tell him, Err.
Err: That's a bill.
Ignigknot: A bi-(angry face) Why are we trying to cash a bill, Err?
Err: Hell, I dunno. It's your uncle. I kept telling you on the way down here.
Ignigknot: It is my uncle. Don't you forget it.
Err: On the way down, I kept saying "This is a bill." Just figured you knew something I didn't.
Ignigknot: I did know something I didn't. But it wasn't that.
Oh, I'll give you a magazine there, buddy. Hey, it's full of hollow points. You're gonna love it when I put those in a gun, and then put 'em in your brain!
- "You, uh, lookin' to expand your business?"
- "BUSINESS IS CLOSED! BUSINESS IS CLOSED!"
- BOSTON IS A BOMB!
Master Shake: HEY BIMBO!
Shake: Chickens are a vital link in nature's chain, and that's why we use them to play chickenball in the house!
- In the same episode, Ignignokt and Err crashing Frylock's new apartment and spray painting all over everything, while Err is chanting "VAGALAZINO!".
Unbelievable Ron: (doing magic gestures for the Saw a Woman in Half trick) HALF-A-BITCH!
Master Shake: Come on, really?
Carl: So that's it? That's how they end it? This series?
Frylock: Yeah, I guess so.
Meatwad: We still got a few seconds left, let's do a joke. Let's do like a joke or somethi-
Turkatron: Is that a taco pie?
Meatwad: Mm hm.
Turkatron: TACO PIE!
Meatwad: I added food colorin', cuz it's a holiday, but it turn'd black, cuz I added all the food colorin' I had. An' I ate this butter straight outta the tub, cuz it taste good. There's a reason behind everythang.
Turkatron: Enjoy those tacos now, because in a thousand years they will be illegal, Heh-heh-hahahahaaa~ Iiii think— we all know why.
Meatwad: *serious* We know why-!
Turkatron: ANTI-TACO LEGISLATION. Disestablishmentarianism.
Dr. Weird: GENTLEMEN, there is a chance this will work!
Steve: Uh, actually you said there was no chance this would work.
Dr. Weird: (Beat.) FOOL! THAT WILL NEVER WORK!
- Referenced in a later (and equally hilarious) opening segment:
Steve: (wearing a bucket on his head, impersonating Dr. Weird) Gentlemen, fill me with barbecue sauce, because I'm dumb as hell!
Javier: (speaks frantic Spanish while motioning behind Steve)
Steve: Yeah, I know, Javier.
(a giant Dr. Weird head bites Steve's head off, with the body exploding mere moments later)
Bert Banana: You know what, go ahead and pour me... a little bit of a full glass of that rum.
Tammy Tangerine: Bert.
Bert Banana: No ice, no ice.
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, no.
Bert Banana: Hey, I can handle it. It's just something to moisten my lips, I'm not going back to the darkness, sweetie.
Mortimer Mango: Bert, you've been sober for forty-seven straight days. (Pours the rum down the sink)
Frylock: Hey, dammit, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man!
Mortimer Mango: We're gonna do it together. Right, Bert?
Bert Banana: (To Frylock) You don't have a monkey wrench, heh, do you?
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you're thinking and-
Bert Banana: What? I'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the u-trap. I mean, that's what an animal does!
(Mortimer Mango turns the faucet on)
Bert Banana: DAMMIT, MORTIMER, YOU'RE DILUTING IT!
Carl: Roar! Yeah, roar! Take off them granny panties and set aside them crutches, cause the monster's coming to get ya! I got ya!
Frylock: Hey, Carl...
Carl: ...Hey fry man. What are you, uh, what are you doing here?
Frylock: Well, what are you doing over there?
Carl: No no no no no, what are you doing in here, in my private house?
Frylock: Well, I knocked, Carl. No one answered.
Carl: ...That is- That is correct, and for a very good reason.
Frylock: ...So, what are you doing?
Carl: I am checking sports scores.
Frylock: ...And you've always got an erection, when you check your sports scores? That's gotta be embarrassing, man.
Carl: Nah. I discovered through the internet, you can do anything you want as long as nobody sees your face. It's like the wild west over here. My larger point is, if you don't like my balls hanging out, you look away.
Frylock: Well, I kinda need your help, but you're probably busy-
Carl: Woah, woah, I'll help ya. I'm a neighbor. How much money you give me?
Frylock: Uh, I don't have a lot of money, Carl, but what if we had a pizza party, huh?
Carl: Oh, I've been down this road before. You got the coupon for the, uh, garlic breadsticks with the onion dipping sauce?
Frylock: Yeah, whatever, sure, we could do that.
Carl: Alright! (he becomes erect) Let me get changed.
Frylock: No, that's actually perfect.
Carl: What, you're friggin' into this too?
Perhaps the best part is when Meatwad is about to staple some pipe-cleaner bunny ears to the snake's head:Meatwad: Hold still, Nathan, this will only hurt once... but damn, will it hurt.
- The finale of the episode is nothing short of epic. It's revealed that the events of the episode were just a simulation Meatwad was experiencing from one of Frylock's inventions. Then Frylock is killed by Meatwad's rabbit, and it turns out that the whole episode was just a simulation of Frylock's. Sure, it makes no sense, but it's funny as hell.
Shake: "Chapter One: Make Every Problem Your Slave." Seriously, did you even pick it up?
Frylock: Yeah. We've got a garage full of 'em.
Shake: That's 'cause they didn't sell, because you shut the Web site down!
Meatwad: Hey, y'all, we could take these jet-skis over here--
Shake: Shut up, Meatwad! I'm discussing my book over here!
Frylock: All right, Shake. You win. How do you make this problem your slave?
Shake: Well, I'll tell ya. (flips page) "Rule 1: Assess the situation." We are fucked.
Meatwad: Y'all see these jet-skis—?
Shake: "Rule 2: Apply blame." You, Frylock. You're the one.
Meatwad: What about these jet-skis--?
Shake: "Rule 3: Don't let the blamee hear about you blaming them." Hey, Meatwad! Frylock really jobbed us on this, didn't he?
Meatwad: Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that with him standing right there. You see these jet-skis—?
Shake: "Rule 4: Make a suggestion, but don't own up to it in case it sucks." Hey, guys, what if we make a boat out of sand, but it's a glass-bottom boat. Then we can host tours for this roasted bird and get money to buy a plane ticket outta here from an airport that does not exist!
Frylock: That idea sucks.
Shake: Yeah. I know. Whose idea was that, Meatwad?
Meatwad: Two jet-skis, right over here—
Shake: Which leads me to "Rule 5: Take well-deserved nap." (lies down) Good night, good luck, the end.
(Beat)
Meatwad: So, we doing the jet-skis, or—
Shake: Do you like to hear your own voice?! 'Cause I'm trying to sleep! You write a book and tell me it doesn't make you tired!
Meatwad: It ain't starting.
Carl: (Lying face-down on the pavement) Why ain't it starting?
Meatwad: Probably 'cause I had five gin-and-tonics. And a Cuba Libre! (triumphantly waves an empty glass)
Carl: I told you not to drink! Should not have bought you them drinks... all right, you— you got a butt, right? Fart into the tube.
Meatwad: "Fart" is a bad word.
Carl: All right, fine, what would you say?
Meatwad: Booty-pooty!
Carl: Yeah, ju— booty-pooty into it.
Meatwad: I don't need to booty-pooty right now.
Carl: Well, try to booty-pooty.
Meatwad: If I try to booty-pooty and I don't need to booty-pooty, I might leave a booty-doodie. And you don't want that on your mouth-tube.
Carl: All right, fine!! I— I jus'— we'll, uh, go to the gas station. I'll get you a friggin' bean burrito.
Carl: His partner gets shot, you know? And then they rip his mask off, and they're like 'you're not an old woman, you're Martin!' Big Mammy, or big, uh, Big Granny, or something...Big, uh, Granny 2. Oh, maybe this was a sequel. So, were you in that?
Miller: No, but very close.
Carl: You were the judge in the gymnastics contest, I know that!
Miller: No.
Carl: Nah, nah, that guy was black.
Miller: Close enough.
- Then the whole episode turns out to be a dramatization that Dr. Weird was showing to a similarly clowned and frozen Steve. The demonic wig display from the main story floats up to him, causing Dr. Weird to snap at it to stop telling him to do things.
Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/AquaTeenHungerForce
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